


No Fucking Heat (Remix of No Heat)

by Butterynutjob



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Cold, Crack, Humor, IN SPACE!, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 13:19:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4747880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterynutjob/pseuds/Butterynutjob
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A broken heater can mean death within hours in space. Unfortunately, the repairman who showed up didn't seem to have gotten the memo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Fucking Heat (Remix of No Heat)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theapolis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theapolis/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [theapolis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theapolis/pseuds/theapolis) in the [xmen_remix_madness2015](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/xmen_remix_madness2015) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> No safe work, no prevous remixes.  
> I am okay with my non-XMFC/DoFP X-Men works being remixed: yes - I don't have anything besides X-Men!  
> I am okay with my collaborations being remixed: yes - I don't have any collaborations!  
> I am okay with being remixed in a different medium (fic for art or art for fic): yes - YAASSS!
> 
> SNORT SNORT GIGGLE SNORT

Erik watched the thermometer on the dashboard of his spaceship hovering around 0 degrees centigrade. He was wearing every garment he owned and every breath he exhaled turned to fog in the frigid air. And it was getting colder. 

Erik told himself that humans could survive in lower temperatures, but considering the temperature was still dropping, he guesstimated he had a few hours before he would not be able to keep himself alive much longer. 

He needed that damn repairman to show up _now._

"Or b-better yet, f-five minutes ago," Erik said out loud through chattering teeth. He forced himself to move his arms and legs in the zero-G environment because it would keep him warmer. However, all he really wanted to do was curl up in front of the radiator, feel the blessed warmth it would exude...

The radio crackled and Erik eagerly pushed himself off the wall towards the radio receiver. "Yes! Hello. I'm here. Ready for docking when you are." He pulled the lever that would shift control of the magnetic docking mechanism over to the repairperson's vessel. 

A male voice with what sounded like a British accent crackled through the radio. "I heard someone ordered a repairman," the man said. 

Erik frowned, because there was something odd about the man's inflection. It was oddly flat and yet strangely theatrical at the same time. Erik used a gloved finger to push the button to speak. "Uh, yeah, it's pretty cold in here, can you please hurry?"

"I'll be right in to warm you up," the odd-sounding British voice promised.

Erik wondered vaguely if the company was sending out androids for routine repairs now. Because something about that voice was weird. 

"Uh, right. Hey the aft docking mechanism can be a little sticky," Erik warned. The ship was old but she was his baby, and he knew her like the back of his hand. "Let me know if you have any trouble docking." 

"Oh, you can be sure I know exactly how to dock you." The voice was oozing that strange innuendo again, but what was worse, was that the man (or android?) hadn't even begun the docking procedure. It only took a couple minutes, but at--Erik stopped to check the thermostat briefly--ten degrees below zero, every second counted. 

"Is this a fucking game to you?" Erik snarled into the radio. He knew intellectually that he shouldn't bite the hand that fed him, but he was rapidly losing patience and starting to fear for his life. 

Finally, he heard the clang and shudder of the ship that meant the docking mechanism had been engaged. 

"My ship has penetrated you," he heard the innuendo-laden voice say over the radio. 

Erik's eyes flew wide. "Penetrate? What the--oh, fuck, do I have a hull breach?" Erik pushed himself over to the panel and slapped the diagnostic button. 

"No, of course not, I meant--never mind. I'm just about ready for you," the voice said. Erik was relieved to hear the voice sound like a human being for the first time during their whole exchange, until the man slipped back into that flat yet taunting tone for his second sentence. 

"Ok, well, good, I hope you have the appropriate heating element," Erik said uncertainly into the radio. 

Just then, the airlock door from Erik's living quarters into the airlock opened with a swoosh and a man was standing there. "I assure you, my heating element is quite _in_ approp--" he started to say, then sucked in his breath with a gasp. "Bloody hell, it's _cold_ in here!" 

It was definitely the same man Erik had been talking to; he had that same British accent. He was also wearing the most ridiculous outfit Erik had ever seen: tan-colored coverall shorts that left his legs and shoulders bare. 

"What the fuck were you expecting?" Erik snapped in disbelief. He pushed himself over to a cabinet where his emergency blankets were and tossed one at the man. The brown-haired man accepted it eagerly, unfolding it and wrapping it around himself tightly while Erik continued ranting. "I told you my heater doesn't work, and my ship is floating in space halfway between the Terran system and Alpha Centauri. What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?"

The man looked terrified and very cold, his teeth chattering too much to answer. He also did not appear motivated to attempt a repair, unfortunately. "Do you have the heating element?" Erik said impatiently. 

The man retrieved a bent metal piece from his pocket which he fumbled handing to Erik, but fortunately it floated over to him. "Thank you," Erik said sarcastically. He launched himself toward the furnace and attached the new element, immediately yanking his fingers away to avoid burning when it started to heat up. 

He could feel it already, the trickle of warmth coming from the furnace. He turned to scowl at the man and bit back his reaction at the man's expression...he looked like he was about to cry. Erik felt much more inclined to be sympathetic now that he had avoided certain death. "What's your name?" he asked the man quietly. 

"Ch-ch-charles," the man said, shivering. 

Erik could just reach the man's arm and he tugged him closer to the heater. Charles gave him a tiny smile of gratitude. 

"I didn't--I didn't know," Charles said after a moment. "I thought--my job--was...something else." His cheeks were very red, which Erik thought might be due to more than the cold. 

"Something other than furnace repair?" Erik said, frowning in confusion. 

Charles bit his lip and nodded. "This is my first assignment. I thought--well, I thought you were, um, an actor. Like me."

Erik raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "You're an _actor?_ How the fuck did you end up out here?"

"That's the thing, you see. I'm actually an actor of the, um, adult, um, variety--"

"Oh, shit," Erik said. 

"--and I, ah, thought your ship was a set--"

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Erik said, with real anger underneath his incredulity. "You came here thinking you were going to be starring in a fucking _porno_? In _space_?"

"Well, um, there's nearly every kind of porn...have you heard of Rule 34?"

Erik stared at the man because he truly did not know what to say to that. 

The man, Charles, attempted a smile. "Well. At least it all worked out! The man who sent me gave me that element before he sent me out...honestly, I thought it was some kind of sex toy."

Erik just continued to stare at Charles. The ship interior was rapidly getting warmer, at least. In a half hour or so it might be tolerable again. 

"I'm lubed up and stretched if you would like to fuck," Charles said, in a very offhand way. 

Erik continued staring for approximately ten more seconds before he sighed and capitulated. "Yeah, okay."


End file.
